I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
