I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
