last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
