I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize