Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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