So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
