i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
