i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
