Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
