Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
