I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize