I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
