According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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