I think i sorta joined a cult last night
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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