New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
