totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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