i just sent this text using only my big toe
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Randomize
