On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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