I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
We are all done wearing pants today
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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