i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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