I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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