At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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