The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
