If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
