and i looked up. we had an audience...
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
