Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
