You're my little dorito
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
