Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
