If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
