And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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