i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
