I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
