I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
you win again, gameday.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
