i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I see more hoeing in ur future
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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