my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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