you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
