I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
