she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
