I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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