First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
