I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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