I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
