4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
