I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
