just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i love accidental penises.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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