The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
