i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize