I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
