Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
