nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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