I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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