I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
