Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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