i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
