you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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