After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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